Emmett Watermelons and, Squirrels?
by archgurl
Summary: Emmett, watermelons, and squirrels. What do YOU think will happen? This was going to only be a one shot, but now it is more like a collection of one shots. Updated when I get ideas.
1. Emmett, Watermelons, and Squirrels

**First Fanfiction EVER! Please be nice.**

**Got the random idea while grocery shopping, and I mean random, so enjoy!**

**And I don't own Twilight. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this.**

**Emmett…Watermelons… and, squirrels?**

Bella POV

"So, Emmett, why did Edward leave me alone with you again?" I asked as Emmett drove me to the grocery store. We were in his big jeep, getting me food for the week.

"Because Edward trusts me! And I wouldn't stop singing the Macarena in my head until he gave in. You should have seen it the last time! I had him dancing for a week until he finally gave in!" Emmett laughed.

"…"

"You wanna demonstration later?"

"No thank you Emmett. I like my boyfriend to not look like an idiot." _Like you_ she thought.

"So, what do we need to buy you? Any condom? They now have that kind that warms with ya!"

"Emmett, back off my sex life or I will have Japer convince you are in love with Newton!" I blushed and wished that I could punch him in his manhood and actually have it hurt.

"Nah, he tried that already. Kind of backfired, had Newton all over him in five seconds. Don't think Jazzy is up to trying that again."

AT THE GROCERY STORE

"Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and jelly with a baseball bat!"

"Emmett, would you stop singing that song?!? Edward does not like it when I eat peanut butter, apparently it makes me smell more like human food!!" I shouted.

We continued through the store, with me putting my favorites in the cart. Nothing fancy, frozen pizzas and such. When we got to my favorite breakfast food, Emmett decided to serenade me yet again…

"Milk and cereal, milk and cereal, milk and cereal, cereal and milk, cereal and milk! Don't want my Wheaties, give them to the needy, feelin' kinda greedy, keep them for myself, keep them for myself, keep them for myself!"

"My God, Emmett! I do not like to buy thing with athletes' faces on it! They stare at you creepily as you eat. Plus, you are causing a ruckus!"

"Lighten up Bella! You only live once!"

"You should hope you live twice after I'm done with you, smart boy!" I sniped.

"OOOOoooooooohhhhh. Scary Bella, real scary! Tough talk for such a little kitten! Meow! Or more accurately, puuuurrrr!" Emmett guffawed.

I didn't even think. I couldn't take it anymore. I let loose with a mighty kick to his nether region, and quickly regretted it. "Ouch, dammit Emmett! What do you keep in there, rocks?"

"You wanted to hurt me, you actually wanted to hurt me?" Emmett whimpered like I actually hurt his feelings and ran off down the aisle, dry sobbing.

With a deep sigh I called after him "Emmett, please stop, I didn't mean it" _too much_ "so come back!" I tried limping after him, but he was long gone. I finished up the shopping and looked for him. And then (insert dramatic pause) the phone rang.

"BELLA! Don't let him do it! Whatever you do, don't let Emmett do it! For the love of all things holy…" Alice shrieked into my ear.

"Alice, what is going on? What is Emmett going to do? And why in the hell did you leave me alone with him in the first place!?!?!"

"No time for questions! Quick, get to the fruit aisle and… crap, too late! Bella, whatever you do, WHATEVER you do, don't let him…"

All of a sudden the phone was ripped from my ear, crushed into oblivion in the meat paw hands of Emmett.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, guess what, guess what, guess what!?!?" Emmett chanted, bouncing up and down like a kid on Christmas.

"What, what, what?" I asked back, exasperated.

"I can't tell you, silly! I have to show you!"

"Um… Emmett… why are you carrying ten watermelons? And how are you carrying ten watermelons?" I asked.

"No time for stupid questions now! Lets go home! I have a course to set up!" And he sprinted off towards the exit. Unfortunately, he did not see the "Out of Order" sign on the automatic door. Somedays it surprises me that he is a vampire. Of course, now there is an Emmett shaped hole in the door… nothing like being conspicuous.

AT THE CULLEN HOUSE

Emmett flew from the car with his nine (he lost one in the automatic door incident) watermelons, leaving me to carry in the rest of the groceries. What's the use of a vampire babysitter if he doesn't even do all the heavy lifting?

Once I finished putting the groceries away, Emmett was right behind me, breathing down my neck with the hugest grin on his face.

"Holy crap, Emmett! Creeper much? And why do you have a butcher knife?"

"To cut finger holes in the watermelon! Duh!"

"Aren't you a vampire? Can't you just poke your finger into the watermelon? Wait a minute… why are you poking holes into the watermelon?" Man, hanging out with Emmett must be making me slow. Stupid five year old mentality of the stupid bear.

"Come on Bella, keep up! You can't go bowling without finger holes!"

Brain shut down. Wait… what? Did he just say bowling? Bowling… with watermelons. Bowling with watermelons… and what? I was afraid to ask…

"Um. Emmett. I don't think that is such a good idea." Finally, Alice's frantic phone call was starting to make sense.

"Of course it is, Bells! All my ideas are good! Don't you trust me?" He asked with a manically grin on his face. Still holding the butcher knife, I might add.

"Why does that seam like a loaded question?" I asked, eyeing the knife carefully.

"Oh, don't be a spoil sport! I set up an extra special course just for you! I even put bumpers up for you!" He said, as he grabbed my arm in a vice and dragged me off to the foyer where I heard some strange squeaking noise.

IN THE FOYER

"Emmett! What in the bloody hell have you done, you wanker! Esme is going to kill you!" I screeched as I took in my surroundings to find…

Nine grey squirrels and one pink sitting at the top of the stairs, all secured in place with Velcro. It looked like he had taken the contents of Alice's closet and lined the stair case with it, making his "bumpers." And there, at the bottom, where his eight watermelons.

"Emmett, what happened to the ninth?" I asked.

"I wanted to see if it tasted good… it didn't. So I just chucked it at some passing wolf."

Well, I don't think Jake was going to be coming around anytime soon. Good thing too. I was starting to get what Edward was talking about when he said that wolves stink. They smell like wet dog! Gross!

"Ok… so. We are bowling. With watermelons. At squirrels. ARE. YOU. FREAKING. SERIOUS! PETA is so going to kill you!"

"What, People Eat Tasty Animals! They sure do! I personally like bear! But that's not the point. The point is that bowling for squirrels is a challenge!!!!" He said, bouncing up and down again. My god, that man has a lot of energy, even for a vampire. Good thing Jasper left. Last time I saw him on an Emmett high, I had nightmares for a week! Rose got some new lingerie, Emmett got… well, Emmett-like, and Jasper ended up stripping down and running through the house in his birthday suit. Too much Jasper! Too much Jasper! (Rocks back and forth, sticks thumb in mouth and whimpers). Darn, I just got rid of those nightmares! Try explaining to Edward what it mean when I wake up screaming "No, Jasper, no!"

"Emmett, you do know that watermelons are a little heavy for me to be tossing up the stairs, right? And as a matter of fact, why are you bowling UP stairs? And another thing, why are you bowling INSIDE?!?!"

"Well, I knew watermelons were too heavy, so I got you these!" He pulled some grapes out of his pocket. "And I am bowling up stairs because the piano is at the bottom of the stairs and Rose and I like to…"

"Emmett, don't finish that sentence!" I squealed, blushing.

"And I am not outside because it is raining! Duh, Bella. Sometimes, I wonder how Edward can put up with you! You are so slow!"

Breath in, breath out. Stop thinking of impaling Emmett on a pitch. Stop thinking of Medieval torture devices. DAMN IT EMMETT!!!

"ME FIRST! ME FIRST!" Emmett squealed! Grabbing one of the watermelons, he chucked it up the stairs, completely missing the screeching squirrels and hitting Esme's favorite painting by Claude Monet at the top of the stairs. It splattered everywhere, staining everything within a ten foot radius with gooey watermelon guts, staining the walls, carpet, the Monet… and Alice's clothes. He was so in for it!

At that exact second, the door burst open and a little black haired speck came rushing in, jumping on Emmett's back.

"My clothes! My clothes! You bastard, how dare you! I haven't even worn them yet! They just came off the runway at Milan! They were one of a kind! I was their MUSE! How can I get them replaced?!?!?" She kept up her random tirade, clinging to Emmett's back and pulling his hair out by its roots.

"Ouch! Alice! Wait! OUCH!!! Darnit, that hurts! I was bumper bowling! GET OFF ME, YOU DEMENTED LITTLE PIXIE!" He bawled, slamming into walls trying to shake Alice off. He only succeeded in knocking the grandfather clock off the wall with the shockwaves of his banging. And, of course, causing a few Emmett shaped dents in the wall.

The two kept at this as Esme and Edward walked in the door. "Alice, why did you rush away so fast and… what…" they both stopped, mouths wagging open in the wind, staring at the mayhem that the pixie and the bear had caused.

"EMMETT AND ALICE CULLEN! STOP RIGHT THIS SECOND OR SO HELP ME I WILL UNMAKE BOTH YOUR SORRY BUTTS!!!" Esme shrieked. Everyone stopped dead. Did Esme really just raise her voice? OMG, they were so dead! Like, kicked into last century dead!

Edward grabbed me and ran away as we heard the ear shattering shouts of Esme die away.

"YOU PSYCHO VAMPIRES! I JUST GOT THIS HOUSE HOW I LIKED IT!!! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REBUILD WHEN EMMETT AND ROSE GET OUT OF CONTROL, BUT YOU TOO ALICE!!! HOW DARE…"

Edward just laughed as he ran faster. "They aren't going to see the outside of that house for awhile! And I promise, I won't leave you alone with him again, even under threat of Macarena."

**The pink squirrel was for you, Alice. I hope you enjoyed it!**

**Please understand we wrote this under the influence of chocolate cake.**


	2. Jasper's Problem

**Woot, another story!**

**This is what happens when I can't sleep. Scary, isn't it?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I borrowed the pants I am wearing right now. So do you honestly think that I own Twilight? Nope, not mine. I'll just keep wishing.**

**Jasper gets a feel for what is going on behind Emmett and Rosaie's door. It is NOT good… let the nightmares ensue!**

Bella's POV (just so much easier to write!)

I do hate it when Edward leaves me alone. I understand that he has to hunt to keep from going "I vant to suck your blood!" (that really wasn't funny the last time he did that. Woke me up from a dead sleep, wearing nothing but a black cape! He's a creeper sometimes, but he is my creeper!) but I still hated it when he left. At least this time he did not leave Emmett in charge. That ended badly last time! No, Jasper is in charge. He has gotten pretty good at keeping enough distance to keep both of us safe, but sometimes…

Like earlier today. Edward had just left, and Esme was still here so we were having some mother-daughter bonding time. Well, mother hen vampire-son's girlfriend and love of life bonding, but close enough. We were sitting innocently in the dinning room, actually using the table, chatting about girl stuff, when the doorbell rang. Rosalie was already at the door, perfect as usual, opening it to reveal a guy in a brown uniform. Must be the UPS man. I could hear Emmett in the background singing "The UPS man is here, the UPS man is here," but saying U.P.S. like "up," but with an "s." Wonder what got him so excited. But I thought nothing of it as Esme and I continued our conversation.

Jasper returned home, after narrowly escaping Alice at the shopping mall, shortly after and went up to his room. Again, a rather normal day in the Cullen household, nothing out of the ordinary. Suddenly, not ten minutes later, Jasper came shooting out of his room, sprinting down the stairs. At that point, my phone began to ring but I couldn't answer it. I was too startled. I just saw a streak running by. Ok… that is a little odd and un-Jasperish. Even weirder, the streak was singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie! All you other brothers can't deny!"

Very un-Jasperish. He started a new song "Billie Jean's not my lover! She's just a girl, says that I am the one. But, her kid is not my son! Oohhh!" And it looked like the blur grabbed his…well, you know. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped dead in his tracks, panting. I swear, if vampires could blush, he totally would.

"Jasper, what in the world do you think you are doing!?!?" Esme shrieked in surprise.

"Um…um…I…um…oh my god! EMMETT!!! KEEP YOUR HORMONES IN CHECK!!!" And he ran away at full kilter.

"I am sorry, Bella dear. I know he didn't mean for you to see that. It's just, well, he wasn't supposed to be home for awhile, and Emmett and Rosalie…well." Esme finished.

"…"

"Are you alright dear?" She asked in concern.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…nooooooo… I mean, yeah, yeah, fine, just fine! I won't have nightmares about naked Jasper running around the house without even his skivvies and singing inappropriate songs and searing into my brain OH MY GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!" I sobbed, falling on the floor, holding my head. "MAKE MICHAEL JACKSON STOP SINGING! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!?!?! OH MY GOD, WHY ARE JASPER AND MICHAEL JACKSON NAKED!?!?!?!?!?"

Esme's phone rang at that point. She looked at me sympathetically, then answered it. She murmured a few words into the phone, and hung it up. She turned back to me and said "That was Alice. She said you really should have answered your phone dear. You would have avoided the month of nightmares in store for you. I am so sorry sweetie!"

In all reality, I didn't hear her at all. I just kept rocking back and forth on the floor, writhing in mental anguish.

And now Esme was gone, looking for Carlisle after grounding Emmett and Rosalie. Apparently the culprit was a new pair of French lingerie. Stupid Emmett and stupid Rosalie. Esme wanted Carlisle to prescribe me some heavy duty sleeping pills since Alice saw this as the only way to get me to sleep tonight. Jasper was in charge. Although it was the mental picture of him causing the horror, I really couldn't blame him. And anyways, I know what happens when Emmett is left in charge. Danger, danger, danger Will Robinson! Or something like that. And Rose would accidentally kill me without a regret.

Man, I hope Esme and Carlisle return soon. I am getting tired and I can feel the nightmare creeping up…too late! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wait, why are there squirrels in my nightmare?

**THE END!**

**I know, rather short, but there is only so much mental scaring I can cause with a naked Jasper. 'Cause, seriously, dude ain't ugly or anything. Just had to throw in Michael Jackson. THAT would give me nightmares… *shudders***


	3. Emmett is on FIRE!

**Another chapter! I wasn't going to, but then I decided I could, so I am… I don't want to do homework, still coming off of a sugar high, just watched Twilight, again, reading the book, again, and go an idea, again. I can't claim full credit for this one. Thanks to my Alice and Bella!**

**This happens sometime when Bella is not around. I think I've scarred her enough for now. But, of course, Emmett is still being an idiot.**

**Again, I do NOT own Twilight, or any of the random references. If I did, I could actually AFFORD schooling. And good food.**

Alice's POV (A first for everything)

I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when I heard a maniacal laugh upstairs. Hmm… must be Emmett. Wonder what he has gotten into?

Wait! Why am I wondering? I shouldn't be _wondering_ anything! Oh crap, what has he gotten himself into?!?!?

Emmett's POV

BORED! Bored, bored, bored, bored! Why did Bella have to be out of town with her dad? Life is so boring without the human to torture! I had so many plans for when I next babysat her! Of course, after the last fiasco, I don't know if Edward will leave me alone with her again…

STILL BORED! Where was Rose? At least her and I could create some fun! She is probably working on her car, trying to catch a reflection of herself in her wrench. Sometimes I wish she loved me as much as she loves her reflection. I mean, it is kind of hard to live up to her perfection, but really!

Man, I need something to do! Hm… television…no good games on… what is this? IDEA!!!! A laugh escaped my lips.

"EMMETT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?"

Stupid pixie. So nosey. And it is the perfect idea! Wait, why is she asking me what I am doing? She should know, she ALWAYS knows… hmm, this idea just got a lot more fun! Must… find… EDWARD!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD!" I yelled, jumping up and down. I was so excited, I could pee my pants! Wait, could I pee my pants? Hm… next project! Back to the present one.

"NO! Emmett, just, no, and don't try to pee your pants, when was the last time you actually used a bathroom?" Man, my brother was a downer… maybe if I…

"Don't even try. You have not been able to kidnap me and force me to do your crazy plans before, and you have tried for decades. So just leave me WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FRYING P…" _**WHACK, thump**_

Man, does Edward talk a lot. I think that got him to shut up! Wow, I didn't know that would work. Edward went down like a sack of potatoes! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA, evil plan coming to fruition! Wait, did I just use the word fruition? What does that word mean? AAAHHHHH SCHOOOL WORD!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY _**WHACK, thump.**_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Two Hours Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OWIE! Why does my head hurt? I can't remember. And why is there a frying pan next to me? Oh well…. What was I doing? Is that Edward next to me?

Oh, yes, my new masterful plan! The plan to beat all plans and get the boredom away! Hear that boredom? Emmett is on patrol and I am here to put you away! No, to find some fuel!!!!

Edward's POV

Owwwwwwwwww… seriously, ow! I didn't know I could still get a migraine. Why did Emmett have to use the frying pan? WAIT! EMMETT! Where is he? Crap, he's gone. I need to find him, before he kills himself, or worse… incurs the wrath of Esme! Then we are all in for it!

Emmett's POV

YES! Best idea ever, coming to! I had gathered the fuel (i.e. Alice's wardrobe), the spectators (Jasper and Rose, always good in a pinch!), and was good to go.

I was ready for the BONFIRE OF THE CENTURY!!!!

Rose was leaning as far away from the fire as she could. "What ya doin' honey?" I asked.

Rose crinkled her nose. "I don't want to smell like burning cotton. Alice is going to be pissed enough at you, I don't need her upset with me too." Jasper just laughed. At least he was on my side! Really, Alice owned more clothes than a department store. But Jazz had an advantage. As soon as Al gets pissed at him, like, that second, she forgives him! Stupid calming vampire.

"LET'S DANCE!" I shouted. I started doing some AWESOME dance moves around the flames.

"Emmett, dear, you should stop. You look like an elephant with a stomach ache dancing like that!" Rose yelled at me.

"Come on Rose, join me!" I yelled back.

"No way! I am NOT getting closer to that flame! It will make my hair frizz!"

"Jazz, you know you want!"

"Emmett, if you gyrate any harder, you are going to fall into the flames."

"What is gyrate?" I asked. I hated it when he used big words on me. Made me feel inadequate. Wait, NO, ANOTHER SCHOOL WORD! NOT ANOTHER SCHOOL WORD, MAKE IT GO AWAY! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, GET THE SCHOOL WORDS OUT OF MY HEAD!

I was so distracted with trying to get those stupid words out of my head that I did not see the poor little squirrel in the way of my dancing. Poor little guy! He would be crushed into oblivion under my feet! I have to move, so I jumped out of the way as fast as I could. I landed with a thud.

Oh, it was getting warmer! Did the sun come out? Nope, still not in the sky. Then why was I getting warmer, and warmer, and…warmer. And where was that smoke coming from? Oh, I was just sitting on the fire.

Wait, FIRE! I'M ON FIRE! What did Smokey Bear say? "Only you can prevent forest fires!" NO, that doesn't help.

Oh! I know a song! I saw it on The Simpsons once! "When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn! Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe!" Wait! That doesn't help, either! STUPID HOMER!

Wait, I got it, stop drop and roll! STOP DROP AND ROLL! OH GOD, WHY AREN'T THE FLAMES GOING OUT!

"You need to get out of the fire before you do that!!!!" Jasper yelled at me.

"No! You STOP, then drop and roll! I can't move! I am supposed to stop! STOP! WHY AM I STILL ON FIRE!!!!" I wailed.

To my horror, Jasper and Rose were trying not to laugh at me. I WAS IN PAIN! How could they just sit there and laugh!

Alice's POV, earlier that day

Wait, why can't I see Emmett?

"EMMETT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?"

And then, I had a vision…

Emmett, fire, MY CLOTHES?!?!?!?!?!

I ran upstairs, to find Emmett with a crazy grin on his face. I knew what he was thinking. So I hit him upside the head with a frying pan before he could carry through with his insane plans. You do NOT mess with my clothes!

And Jasper was just going to go along with it! He is in SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!!

THE END!

**Ok, maybe not as funny. But me and the girls were watching Twilight, again, and the scene where James is burning at the end, and Emmett, Jasper, and Alice are dancing around the flame, we got the idea of what if Emmett started a fire, then started ON fire? And thus, Emmett is on fire.**


	4. Border Control

**Another Fanfiction! Muwahahahaha!!! Again, I wasn't planning on writing it, but I am anyways!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed before! Makes me happy to know people get a kick out of my insanity! And to answer a question, the last chapter was Alice's vision of what Emmett was planning on doing, but she stopped him before he could actually do something stupid.**

**Also, this story does NOT revolve around Emmett being, well, Emmett. Or, at least, the way that Emmett is in my mind. Emmett in my mind and book Emmett, two completely different people, but still! But, BEWARE THE OCC-NESS! BEWARE THE OCC-NESS! I am seriously hyped up right now, and should not be…**

**Again, I own nothing. Twilight is not mine, and sadly neither are the characters. Oh the fun I would have if they were!**

**So, on with the story!**

**----------------------------------------------------------**

Bella's POV

I hate doing my math homework. A lot. Edward makes me feel so stupid sometimes, he is so good at everything! Arg. Speak of the devil…

"Bella, dear, I am sorry but you can no longer do your homework alone." He said in all seriousness.

"Why?" I asked. Maybe he was going to take me out somewhere fun! Maybe the family was going to do something, and I was invited, maybe…

"Jasper is home, and we don't want you to get another papercut."

Mind…off… Ok. I couldn't do my homework, not for some fun reason, not to do something else, but because JASPER WAS HOME!?! And to top it off…

"And I need to go hunting soon." He said.

"Ok, that's it Edward!" I fumed. "I AM NOT SOME FRAGILE LITTLE THING! How do you think that I lived before you came here?!? I mean, honestly. A papercut? Papercut, you are afraid of me getting a papercut?!?"  
"Bella, honey, you are prone to accidents."  
"Accidents my ass. I am going to Jacob's. He'll at least let me turn a FRICKIN' PAGE!!" I screamed.

"Bella, you know what I think…" he started, I interrupted.

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK! What are you gonna do, stop me from seeing my friend? Honestly, overprotective twit! Take me to the border, NOW!"

"OK, dear, if that is what you really want…" he sulked, as he walked down stairs to start the car.

I called Jake, who was more than happy to have me come over for the night. He was rather surprised by the change of events, but happy none the less.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

AT THE BORDER

"Now, Bella, I need you to call me when you are ready to come home." Edward handed me the tiny, silver phone.

"Fine, Dad, I will see you later tonight. Do I have a curfew too?" I knew I was being petty and silly, but that did not stop me. He just sulked in the corner, kissed my hand, and I got out of the car.

I beamed when I saw Jacob. Man, it was going to be good to NOT be treated like I was made of glass!!

Of course, things never go according to plan…

Our evening of fun started out great enough. Hanging out in his living room, watching T.V. while doing my calculus, just me and Jacob like it was before.

"Hey Bells, it's been awhile since you've visited. I missed you!"

"Missed you too Jake!" I smiled up at him while I closed my calc book. Finally, I was done! And oh, wait for it, wait for it, NO PAPERCUT! "You want to go for a walk? My brain is fried, and I could use a stretch."  
"Sure!" Jacob smiled my smile. "Sounds like a plan!"

Of course, Jake could never leave well enough alone. I really just want to be friends, he is like family, why does he have to keep complicating things?

As soon as we left his house, he grabbed my hand, spun me around, and said "Can I kiss you?"

"AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!" I shouted. I stomped on his foot (nearly breaking my own in the process), turned around, and started stamping down the road. Stupid hormonal wolf. I whipped out my phone to call Edward to come and get me, then remembered I was mad at him too. Stupid overprotective vampire. Now what? I couldn't stay on the reservation, Jake would find me and try to finish what I didn't even want him to start. I couldn't call Edward, he would just take me home and lock me in my room with all of the paper and sharp corners removed. Stupid wolf, stupid vampire. Now what?

Hm… what is this? IDEA!!!!… wait, that sounds wrong. That's usually what Emmett says when he gets a BAD idea. Not the person I want rubbing off on me…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

20 MINUTES LATER

Edward's POV

*Sigh* I miss Bella. Why doesn't she understand that I only do these things to protect her? Does she honestly want to become vampire food, make Jasper feel bad that he can't control himself, and make me feel like it is all my fault and allow me to blame myself and wallow in self-pity for an entire series while I berate myself and think that I am not worthy and go attempt to kill myself because I have slipped into a great depression all because she cut herself at that stupid party! Wait… what?

*Sigh* Still miss Bella. I should go and wait at the border for her. Maybe, she can sense my presence and will be drawn to it and will come out sooner! Oh, I am a genius sometimes!

Jacob's POV

Man, where did Bella get to? I hadn't even convinced her that she loves me and not that cold, emotionless bastard. Granted, he is hot, but is that all that girl looks for? I'm hot too! Argh.

I bet I know where she went. Whenever she gets upset, she calls Edward and goes to wait for him at the border. That's probably where she is at right now. So much trouble for just one girl.

Hm… I am hungry, maybe I should go and get something to eat before I go over to the border…

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AT THE BORDER

Bella's POV

Stupid boys, I should throw rocks at them. And I can! Muwahaha! Wait, they are both so fast and strong, it wouldn't even faze them… STUPID FANTASY BOYS! Won't even allow me the pleasure of causing them physical pain! AAAARRRGGGHHH!

So, my brilliant idea did not turn out as fun as I thought it would. There is only one neutral piece of territory in all of Forks to get away from both Jacob and Edward…the border. The invisible, pretend line that the wolves and the vampires had agreed to. Neither party is willing to cross that line, nor are they willing to even get too close. Therefore, I am safe, completely and utterly safe, from those two buffoons right here!

I dug myself a hole and am currently setting up shop in no-man's (or wolf's, or vampire's) land. They can't get me here!

Edward's POV

I made it to the border in record time! Now, to wait for Bella to come to me. What is that pile of dirt out there?

Jacob's POV

HA! I see the filthy leech now, in his car that makes everyone around him feel inadequate, probably his purpose. But he is getting out and looking around, that means I am not too late and Bella hasn't left yet! Wait, why is there singing coming from that hole in the ground?

Bella's POV

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are a-standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's what the show-man said!" I sang at the top of my lungs. Although this hole I dug for myself was small, wet, and dirty (duh, it's a hole in the ground!), at least I was away from stupid boys who think they know what is best for me, better than I know what is best for myself. OH, I SMELL CHOCOLATE! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!

Wait…I just got a text message on Edward's phone…

Edward's POV

Silly Bella. Doesn't she know that she can get a cold sitting in a wet, dark hole? She is going to get sick, then get the plague, and then die a slow and painful death while I watch her and think that I can save her, but I can't because it would mean stealing her soul so I will instead watch her die while I contemplate ways to kill myself. *Sigh*

Wait, what was I trying to do? Oh, right, get Bella out of that hole. And I know her one weakness…

Jacob's POV

Sheesh, Bella can be silly sometimes. Luckily, I had just the gadget to get her out…. A fishing pole with a bar of chocolate attached to it! And, to make it even better, she will come back to me for now, and when she returns home she will be hyped up on a sugar high and will annoy that leech of hers to no end! Perfect!

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LATER THAT EVENING, SWAN RESIDENCE

Bella's POV

Well, that was an interesting evening. I finally gave up and returned home, of course, after that text Edward sent me, there was no way I was choosing chocolate over that!

"So, Edward, when do I get to use your hair gel?" I asked.

"Wait, what?" He asked.

"Well, that text you sent me said that I could have that which is most precious to you, and that would be your hair gel, right?"

"Um, Bella, that which is most precious to me is you in a padded jacket, wearing a helmet and a mouth guard, not my hair gel."

And thus began the curse heard round the world.

**The end**

**I don't really know how I like this one. Not as funny as that first one, but of course I no longer have that chocolate cake. Of course, if I did and had consumed it, I would not be writing this but instead would be on the floor writhing in agony because it was so old.**

**Sorry for the wait. I just write these whenever I get an idea, and the ambition to write.**

**The hair gel idea, and the idea for this entire story, was borrowed from my crazy friends. So, thanks again to Alice and Bella.**


	5. Emmett's Theory About Edward

**YEAH ANOTHER UPDATE! And I came up with this idea all on my own! Take that Bella and Alice! Mommy, wow, I'm a big girl now!**

**I'm going back to writing Emmett; he is just so much fun! And I think I identify with him the most… completely crazy, random psychotic ideas, I just don't have the gumption to follow through on them, nor the complete and utter lack of self control. Stupid parents, teaching me right and wrong…**

**Anywho, on with the story!**

**It takes place before Edward meets Bella. You know, anytime, anywhere, after Emmett is introduced into the family. Actually, it would be sometime between 2003 and whenever the books take place since that's when the song I am referencing came out…**

**Disclaimer time! I don't own Twilight, I don't own Avenue Q, I don't own a brain…**

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Emmett's POV (just so much fun!)

I hate Edward sometimes. Like, really hate him. He is totally and completely to blame for my current situation. He thinks he is so smart, but he really is just anal. Yeah, that's right, you heard me Edward, ANAL!!! Hehe, I thought anal…butt. And a prude. Rude prude. Hehe. Maybe I should get into poetry.

My brother the vamp is a prude

Everyday he is nothing but rude

He cuts of my fun

And when he is done

I am always in a bad mood.

Well, that was a waste. Who writes a non-dirty limerick? Stupid prudish vampire, rubbing off on me. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, right, why Edward is always such a downer.

He cut off my favorite bit of recreation. He wouldn't fight fair with me, like turning off his brain reading powers like some crazy character from X-men, so I had to go and entertain myself. Well, more accurately, I found Rose to help entertain me. We were just playing Scrabble, I swear! Nothing gross, honestly, I was just able to spell the word "sex," and Edward comes running into the room screaming "I don't want anymore mental pictures!"

"Dude, calm down! You're wound way too tight! Nothing going on here, see, nothing out of place!" I tried to calm him down. Edward, ever persistent, would not be calmed.

"No more mental pictures!" He all but shrieked.

Man, Edward is weird. Does he seriously not think Rose is hot? I mean, I would kill him if he ever thought of touching her…

"Stop thinking those horrid thoughts!" Edward yelled.

Ok…….. I think something more was going on… so I started to sing this song I had just seen in a musical the other night with Rose.

"If you were gay"

"Wait, what?"

"That'd be ok!"

"Wait, me?"

"'Cause I mean, hey! I'd like you anyways!"  
"Emmett, I don't think…"

"Because you see, if t'were me, I would feel free to say, that I was gay, but I'm not gay."

"I think you have the wrong idea of me..."

"If you were queer."

"Honestly?"

"I'd still be here."

"You're still going on?"

"Year after year"

"Can you stop?"

"Because you're dear to me."

"PLEASE!?!?"

"And I know that you'd accept me too."

"I would?"

"If I told you today hey guess what I'm gay! But I'm not gay."

"And I am?"

"I'm happy just being with you. So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys!"

"Emmett, that's wrong!"

"If you were gay, I'd shout hurray."

" What…"

"And here I'd stay but I wouldn't get in your way."

"You already are!"

"You can count on me to always be! Beside you ever day, to tell you it's ok, you were just born this way, and as they say, it's in your DNA… YOU'RE GAY!"

"I AM NOT GAY!!!"

"If you were gay!"

*long awkward pause*

"Are you quite finished yet?" Edward asked me.

"For now."

"Please, do not bring this up again. I like girls, it is not my fault that I find yours to be slightly vapid and narcissistic." Stupid Edward, using big words on me. He knows how much I hate hearing school words… "Emmett, you just don't like hearing them because you refuse to learn them." Edward told me. Stupid mind reading vampire. Not even allowing me to complain in my head about his stupidness. Yeah, that's right STUPIDNESS! See, I can use big words too! Albuquerque! Snorkel!

"I'm just talking about the pink elephant in the room." I said.

"Have you been watching too much Dumbo recently? Emmett, how many times have we had to tell you, there are NO pink elephants on parade coming to get you."

"THEN WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOU!" I shrieked. Pink elephants really scare me…

"That is your pink horsey, remember, you need him to fall asleep."

"HORSEY! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!!! The pink elephants are coming, and the super pink pony is the only thing that can stop them!!!" I squealed. All of a sudden, Edward got a very un-Edward-ish look on his face. Wait, that is one of my favorite looks to use! Wait was the crazy guy planning? And why did his smirk just get wider?

"Emmett, I have a proposition for you. Wait, you won't know what that word means. Let's make a deal!" Edward sneered. I had a bad feeling about this.

"Um… what?" I asked sheepishly.

"You promise to never, ever, EVER bring up my sex life or lack there of, ever again or make your own wild conjectures about it, and you stop giving me nightmares by thinking those lewd thoughts of yours, and I will give you your pony back in one piece and not just a pile of fluff."  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I wailed. That was low, man, real low. What type of sick, sadistic bastard messes with another guy's pink pony? Well, apparently I found the sick guy who does.

"If you behave for one week, I will give you back your pony, and if you ever misbehave again you will forfeit your rights to it. Understand?"

With a sob, I nodded mutely. My poor pink pony, having to endure the prudishness that is my brother.

"Good." Edward said. "I think this will work out very well for the both of us."

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SOMETIME LATER, AFTER BELLA ENTERS INTO EDWARD'S LIFE

I was bored, so I was wandering around the house. Man, was Edward a lot less up tight since he found that crazy mortal girl, Bella. Way to go, future sis, making the beast crumble! I still owed Jasper some money, though. I as totally betting on Edward hooking up with Newton. Oh well.

I still need to get him back, though, for stealing my pink pony, that is now locked up in a safe away from Edward.

Wait, what is this?

Ten minutes later, a shriek arose from the house. "WHERE IS MY PURPLE MONKEY!!! NOW THE DALEKS WILL COME AND EXTERMINATE ME!"

Ah, revenge is sweet!

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**THE END!**

**Thanks to all you crazy people who reviewed, and Bella we definitely need to get together and plug out another awesome story. They are always better when we work together. By your powers combined, I am Captain Crazy-pants!**

**Ok, I'm done.**


	6. Ghost Stories

**STORY TIME! I am bored, my sometimes co-author is sleeping, and I am BORED! So, I am writing another story! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! 'Cause, I figured, she needs to sleep, so I should let her sleep and not go running around in circles going "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored!!!!" I think I'm turning into Emmett.**

**To answer a question, the last chapter referenced a song from the musical Avenue Q called "If You Were Gay." For those of you who don't know, Avenue Q is like the grown-up version of Sesame Street, and that song is sung by their version of Bert and Ernie.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight, unfortunately. I own a copy of the book, and the movie, but not the rights to them unfortunately. The craziness is ALL MINE!!!**

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Emmett's POV

When is my family going to learn that leaving me behind is not a good idea? So, in reality, they have no one to blame but themselves for their current predicament. Really, they should know better by now. I'm not irresponsible or anything, I just get bored and find ways to entertain myself!!!

I was home, completely alone. The family had gone on one of their INSANE shopping trips, leaving me and Eddie behind. Edward couldn't leave his precious human alone for five minutes (no, seriously, that girl could kill herself standing still, she'd find a way) so it was just me, alone, in this big house, with nothing to do. So, I watched TV. That is still something I am getting the hang of. Like, I enjoy watching games on the television. Those things really happen, right? Carlisle watches this channel called CNN, and those stories seem to be real. Esme watches shows about home makeovers, and Alice about design. But what about all of the other shows and things on the TV. Are those real too? See, I sometimes have deep thoughts. The other night I had a conversation with Jasper about why my girl was hot. See, deep.

Anyways, I was watching some channel called _Sci-Fi_, and while I was debating what that could possible mean I saw this show come up about ghosts.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! GHOSTS! I NEED MY PINK PONY! WHERE IS MY PINK PONY! HELP M E, HEL ME, THE GHOSTS ARE GOING TO COME OUT OF THE TELEVISION AND EAT ME!" I had to go and warn Eddie! I mean, we might, and I mean just _might_, be safe from these sick, crazy ghosts, but that little human of his would never, and I had to save her or Edward would plant another stick up his butt and never let me have fun again! Even though Bella is annoyingly human, it is so much fun to pick on her and she was my only bowling buddy! I had to at least warn Eddie.

I ran out of the house and into the garage to my Jeep. I was in such a hurry to get out of the garage that I drove through the garage door. Oh well, Esme would understand, the ghosts were coming for us! I had to save everyone! It was up to me!

How do you fight a ghost? I have an idea! I sped up on the way to Eddie and Bellie.

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At the Swan Residence, Bella's POV

It was nice being with Edward. How much do I love this vampire, let me count the ways… what, why was my cell phone going off? And why is it Alice? She was shopping; she should be too distracted to call me! Oh no, maybe she wants me to join her! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't stand another shopping trip! People _BUYING_ me things! That is unacceptable! I am an independent person!

"Aren't you going to answer that, hunny?" Edward asked me.

What… why was I complaining? Hmmm….Edward's eyes. Wait, what? Oh, yeah, phone. Phone ringing. Edward, dazzling. Wow.

"Hello?" I answered the phone, and then remembered I wanted to ignore it. Stupid Edward, dazzling me into answering the phone!

"BELLA! OMG, run, take Edward and run for it, Emmett…" and the phone cut out. Oh, crap. Edward was besides me in two seconds, picking me up, but he wasn't fast enough. What sounded like a tank came roaring into my driveway, and ran full kilter into the front porch and on into the living room, finally emerging into the backyard.

"EEEEEEEMMMMMMMEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT!!!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs. Charlie was SO going to kill me!

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Emmett's POV

I have to get to Eddie and Bella. I have to get to Eddie and Bella. I have to drive faster! Faster, faster…

I didn't have enough time to stop when I reached Bella's, so I decided to take the easy way and just drive into her house so I could get to them faster. Man, I amaze myself sometimes with my brilliance. Crap, I overshot. Oh well, at least the door was open now!

"EEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEETTTTT!!!" I heard echoing from the house. Oh no! My future little sis was in trouble and calling for me! The ghosts had beat me! What to do, what to do?!?! On the one hand, I was so scared of the ghosts. And I forgot my pink pony in my rush to get to my siblings. But this was family. That is more important than my fears, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?

I raced up the stairs to Bella's room, to find her being attacked by a tall, white figure. The ghosts were already attacking her! I had to save her! And Edward was nowhere to be seen. The coward, he must have run off and left Bella all alone to fend for herself. And I thought he loved her!

"Never fear! Emmett is here! I will protect you Bella, that ghost can't hurt you with me here." I shouted and launched myself at the ghost. I pushed it a little too strong and we went tumbling out of the window onto the lawn. Bella was screaming nonsense at her window. She must be so grateful that she can't even form a sentence! Man, do I know how that goes. But, of course, I don't need to be excited and happy to forget how to form sentences. That just comes naturally!

The ghost was getting up. I forgot I didn't know how to stop a ghost! Something about making them go towards the light, so I just had to throw it at the street lamp! That should work!

I picked up the ghost, who felt like cotton (is that what a ghost is supposed to feel like) and started swinging it about.

"Emmett, stop! What is wrong with you?" The ghost spoke. Man did he sound like Edward. But I must be strong! The ghost was just trying to trick me! See, it was cold and white, therefore it must be a ghost. I flung the ghost at the street lamp. It connected with a crunch and sailed right through the lamp. Good bye ghost and good riddance!

Crap, the ghost was stirring on the ground! I have to kill it, or it will come after me! I rushed towards it to throw it at another light, but all of a sudden the ghost was flung off and there stood Edward.

"EDWARD!!! I thought you'd run away from the ghost and left Bella all alone! But the ghost ate you. ARGH! GHOSTS CAN EAT VAMPIRES! KILL IT EDWARD, KILL IT! DON'T JUST STAND THERE HOLDING ON TO IT, KILL THE GHOST!" I screamed at my brother. Man, he must be dazed from the encounter with the ghost. I had to save him too!

I grabbed the ghost and tore it to shreds, then lit it on fire. That killed a vampire, and fire is light, so I knew this time it had to work. And it did! Yes, I am a genius sometimes.

By that time, Bella had made her way outside and was yelling.

"No need to be grateful, Bella. I only did what any other older brother would do!"

"Grateful!?!?" Bella shrieked. Man, that girl could make sounds only dogs (and vampires with too sensitive hearing) could hear. And it HURT! "You bumbling oaf, you destroyed my house, threw my boyfriend out the window and into a light pole, and then set my sheets on fire!"

"But… but… I saved your life!" I protested. "I didn't do any of that stuff! The TV was telling me that the ghosts were coming, so I had to come and warn you! And then that ghost was attacking, and Eddie wasn't there, what was I supposed to do? Well, ok, I did drive into your house, but that was to come and help faster!"

"WWWWHHHHAAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"OW BELLA! STOP DOING THAT!" I shouted back. So she just shrieked louder. Wait, was the even humanly possible? How do her vocal chords do that! I bet when Eddie finally turns her into a vampire, her super power will be shrieking people to death.

Meanwhile, Edward was on the phone, there was another set of headlights in the driveway, and I could hear the sounds of sirens. More people to come and witness my amazing saving abilities!

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Three Months Later, Bella's POV

It was oddly quiet. The last time it was this quiet was that one day three months ago. I still shudder when I think about it.

"Hey, Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?" Holy crow, his eyes.

"Uh….uh…what?"

"You asked me a question?"

"Oh, yes, yes." Don't look at his eyes, don't look at his eyes. "I haven't seen Emmett recently. I mean, of course, that is not a bad thing, and Charlie forbade him from ever coming to our house again, but why has Emmett actually been listening and behaving?"

Edward go an evil glint in his eye and pulled something out of his book bag. "Is that a pink pony?" I asked incredulously. What was my macho, sexy, vampire boyfriend doing with a pink pony that looked much loved and abused?

"Oh, this is Emmett's precious pony. It protects him from the pink elephants. It just happened to end up in my possession as a slight reminder of what happens when he completely destroys my girlfriend's house."

**THE END!!!**

**I can't think of anything else to write. And I am sorry this took so long. I started writing it about two months ago, and just could never figure out how to finish it. Obviously, my sometimes co-author is not sleeping right now, nor did I consult her on it. That is sad though. I need my Bella and Alice to help! Oh well, that's what happens when we all live in different states. Stupid.**

**Anyways, sorry for the wait!**


	7. Candy Shop

**I'm bored and I really should be sleeping or doing work, which of course means that I won't. So that means I get to start A NEW STORY! Muwahahahahahaha! Oh well.**

**Disclaimer time! I don't own Twilight. I really, really, really wish I did, but I don't. I am writing all of these just for the fun of it.**

* * *

Emmett's POV

I hate to say it again, but I AM BORED! I really should find something to do that would not be so boring all the time. I was forbidden to watch TV alone now, I had already beaten all of my video games, and I was ALONE! Well, almost alone. My family won't leave me completely alone again. Alice was somewhere about. Of course, she wasn't the best person to leave in charge. Crazy little pixie has a temper! If I do something even _a little_ wrong, she has a bird! Tehe. Alice having a bird, that would be funny! Of course, after the last pet we had…

What was I talking about? Right, crazy pixie. She was upset at being left in charge on a Saturday, a prime shopping day. I bet Bella is happy with this, but Alice is probably on the internet, AGAIN, buying Bella more "suitable clothing," at least that's what Alice said. What does suitable mean, does that mean Alice is buying Bella suits? Men's suits? Hm, I should get my girl some men's suits. That would be some fun role playing!

Ok, that visual took up a few minutes, but now what do I do? I can't go and bother Bella, she was at home and Chief Swan said he would shoot me if I ever stopped by again. Not like it would hurt me, but little Eddie would. Something to do with endangering his girlfriend. He should just bite her and get it over with! Then I could have a new friend to play with! Apparently Bella is too fragile to be my friend. It is just me and my pink pony, all alone in the world. I'm all alone, all by myself. There is no one here beside me!

"Emmett!" came echoing down the stairs. "What are you doing? It is too quite right now!" Stupid nosey pixie. She really needs to take a chill pill. How to calm her down? Hmm… wait a minute. I have an idea!

"EMMETT!!!!!" Man, I forgot about her "special ability." Why couldn't I have gotten a sister who could do something USEFUL, like make stuffed animals by just staring at some cloth. Silly Alice. (A.N. Please don't kill me, Al, I love my teddy bear you made me!)

"Emmett, stop this now! I can't be grounded again, I need to go out with Bella next weekend!" Crap, I had to get out of here fast! Oh, I know, I will take the fastest… "NOT MY PORSCHE!!!"

* * *

A Few Hours Later

Hmmm… I had bought all the ingredients, now I just had to find a place to hide away from my family as I put my plan into action. The garage? No, no, that was too close to the crazy pixie. Bella's house? Promising, since Eddie is gone, but I don't really want to cause problems for my soon to be little sis. Hm. Well, the problem is that anywhere I think of, Alice will be able to see. Stupid fortune telling vampire. What CAN'T she see?!?!?!? OH, I KNOW!!!

* * *

At the Treaty Border

"Um, Emmett, what are we doing here and won't Edward kill you for calling me out?" Bella asked.

"Silly Bella!!! I needed you here to get Jacob to come out so that Alice can't see what I am doing so I can come up with the PERFECT plan to make my family forgive me for all of the crazy stuff I do and everyone will be happy! Duh, Bella, don't you know this stuff by now?" I asked. Shesh, my almost-little-sister was slow sometimes. Why is her eyebrow twitching?

"Emmett, you do know that this could potentially violate the treaty, whatever you're planning is?" Bella asked.

"No, of course it won't! If anything, it will make the treaty stronger! How could this possibly go wrong!?"

"Do I really have to warrant that with an answer?" Bella asked.

"Why would you give me warrant? Did Charlie give you some of his cop stuff to play with? And why are you smacking yourself in the head?"

"Just, never mind, never mind. I think I hear a motorcycle coming… so I can leave here soon, this is not going to be pretty."

"Well of course it isn't going to be pretty. He's a werewolf, remember? They're not pretty!" I said. Jeez, maybe I don't want her for a new sister, she is just too darn slow! And I think she has something wrong with her eyes, they keep twitching.

Jacob hopped off his bike. "Bella, I got your call and I rushed right over because I knew you would come to your senses and pick me over your cold vampire and what is he doing here?" Wow, that dude can get a lot in one breath. He should just learn to not breath like me!

"Jacob, Emmett. Emmett, Jacob. Now that formal introductions are out of the way, Emmett would like your help with something if that is possible and…"  
"No, Bella, no. Remember, you have to pick them or me or I won't take my shirt off for you anymore." Jacob interrupted.

"!!!" Bella wailed. "But you have such fantastic abs!!" She shrieked.

"Oh, you're right, I could never deny you because I am a love sick puppy who can't get it through my head that you will never pick me and that you are really undeserving of any being with an intelligence over that of a slug but I will love and pine for you anyways!!!"

"Good! I was counting on that! So, if you could please just entertain Emmett for a little bit I would greatly appreciate it!" Bella said. "Oh, hold on one sec, my phone is ringing. Hello?"

"BELLA!!!" Came shrieking over the phone. Bella winced and pulled it away from her ear so that Alice's painfully loud, shrill voice would not rupture an eardrum. "Where are you? I lost sight of you, and I lost sight of Emmett, you just popped out of view. Are you hanging out with that Jacob again? You know what Edward thinks of that and… wait… Emmett is gone too. YOU'RE WITH EMMETT AND JACOB!?!? What are you trying to do, give Edward a heart attack? Granted, he doesn't have a heartbeat, but still! I will find you young lady and when I do…" _CLICK_

"Who does she think she is, my mother? Anyways, as I was saying, Jacob, please do this for me it will mean the world to me." Bella said, putting on the charm. I need to learn how to do that face she is making, it melts everyone and bends them to her will.

"Of course I will!" Jacob turned to me, slowly, looking like he would rather tear my head off than work with me. Of course, I wouldn't mind a fight, but that would cause more problems and I would like to live long enough to play some new video games, and finally learn the trick of watching television. I could take him in a fight, no prob, but then that would upset Bella, that would upset Eddie, who would upset the rest of the family… see, a pain!

I tried to smile winningly. "I just need you to stick with me. Alice can't see you, therefore she can't see me when I am with you. Great plan, right?" I asked.

Jacob did not look convinced. "If you so much as think of violating the treaty I will mess you up hard core!" He shouted.

"No, no, no bad things, cross my heart and hope to die… well, not DIE because I am not really alive, but, well, I guess cross my heart and hope to end my existence. Does that work for you?"

Jacob looked me up and down, probably admiring how totally and wickedly AWESOME I am. "Deal, for now. If I don't like what you are doing, I will leave you as a pile of dismembered body parts, understood?"

"Dis-what-what?" I asked.

"Oh, never mind. Let's go. The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can try to win Bella's heart again. This time I won't fail!"

"Yeah, ok dude, keep telling yourself that. So, the next step in my totally awesome, freaking amazing plan is to find an old store to set up in." I said.

"Store?" Bella and Jacob asked simultaneously.

* * *

A Couple of Days Later, in Port Angeles

YES! Am I good? I'm good! Wait, who am I talking to? Oh, yeah, right, the people in my head. HELLO PEOPLE! You doing good up there? Oh, you don't have to answer, I know you are doing totally fine and I am good!

Well, it was finally finished. I think calling the werewolf stupid is an insult… he is worse then stupid. After the first day he tried to leave. Silly werewolf, doesn't he know that without him Alice would see me and then I would be in trouble, so I bought a doggie cage for him. Who knew that werewolves couldn't escape plastic? All that stuff about silver bullets is bull, it's really plastic that is their weakness.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes, my plan to make my family forgive me and make everyone happy is finally realized! I have opened… A CANDY SHOP FOR VAMPIRES!!! Yes, yes, I know, hold the applause. What could be better? We have blood suckers, blood ice-pops, blood bon-bons, turtles (literally), blood pop rocks, blood fizzies, blood truffles (those are the things like mushrooms, right?), and so much more! All blood flavored delicacies for the vampire, made from a variety of animals and donated blood! I have sent invites out to all of the cool vampires, and my family, and now I just have to wait for them to come by!

"EMMETT, LET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE! I'm hungry!"

"Shut up wolf boy. You just ate yesterday!"

* * *

One Hour Later

Any minute now and they will be rushing through the doors.

* * *

Three Hours Later

Soon, you know it!

* * *

The Next Day

Anybody?

* * *

Two Weeks Later

WHY IS NOBODY COMING?!?!? Man, this sucks. Maybe my totally wicked idea wasn't so… oh, wait, the door just opened!

"Emmett, my god, there you are! We had no idea where to find you! The Volturi are coming, they got this weird idea that you somehow broke the laws and WHAT THE HECK HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!?" Stupid pixie.

"What?" I asked.

Behind her appeared Eddie. "Emmett, have you opened a store for vampires?"

Wow, he was slow. "Of course, Eddie! Isn't it totally AWESOME!!!"

"Ahem… why did you name it 'Cause My Brother Can't Drink His Girlfriend's Blood'?"

"Because you can't, der!" I said. Man, sometimes I think I am really the smart one in the family.

"Emmett, you know that is the same as putting a sign on your door that says "A Vampire Lives Here" and that the Volturi might think of that as an invitation to kill you." He said.

"Oh, that signs out back."

"…"

"What?"

"Do I need to answer that?" Edward asked.

"Why?"

"Nevermind. Alice, let's go, this is a lost cause." Edward said, and with that he and Alice turned to leave, just as someone came out of the back store room singing:

"On the good ship lollipop.  
It's a sweet trip to a candy shop  
Where bon-bons play  
On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay."

Edward and Alice turned around slowly, too stunned to move. Then Alice shrieked and fainted while Edward pointed and screamed "MARCUS! You talk! WTF!!!! Wait, you're not killing Emmett? You're singing, you're not killing Emmett, the world is going to end, IT'S THE APOCALYPSE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!"

"See, I told you opening a candy shop was a good idea!"

* * *

Two Weeks Later

"Hello? Emmett? Can you let me out now?"

* * *

**I promise, I have nothing against Jacob, really. I like him, but I couldn't help myself… I usually can't, of course…**

**Sorry for the—ahem—really long wait. I update when I can, and since I last updated I started a new school and got really, really busy. I feel like I will never be finished with school. Meh.**

**So, review if you want, don't if you don't. I will update again eventually.**


	8. Destruction

**It is getting to be close to the end of the semester, which means that I have tons of work to do in very little time and no time to procrastinate! Of course, that means that I will procrastinate… STORY TIME!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the random references. So sad for me… **

Bella's POV

Edward had promised that he would not leave Emmett alone with me. He promised! But, of course, the alternative was worse; it was Paris fashion week, and Alice needed a chaperone. She had planned on taking me with Edward, but thankfully Edward took the bullet for me and went alone. The others were out hunting…unfortunate for me, Emmett had accidentally cleared the house of all the mice the other day. He and his family were playing "Mouse Trap" and thought that he was winning. I really don't understand him. But that left me in the current predicament; Emmet was the only "full" vampire in the area, and he thought it was his responsibility to "protect" me. He really doesn't, but I guess his heart is in the right place. I just wish he wasn't so crazy!

I was over at the Cullen's house, since Emmett was still banned from mine. He did deserve that. Honestly, I don't understand how he thought that fiction was reality. Of course, I was not really here willingly. Edward decided that I could be left alone (FINALLY!), and flew off to Paris with Alice, thinking that I would be safe with the rest of his family in the area. You think that by now they would have figured out a schedule so that Emmett was never left alone, but no, that is too convenient. Of course, he SHOULDN'T have been left alone, but since he wasn't thirsty and he apparently gets cranky on long trips hunting for other people, he was left behind. They thought that they had done a good job of keeping him under control. Jasper hid Emmet's pink pony, his favorite stuffed animal (the man is how old and he still has a stuffed animal?) to keep him in line. Emmett would get the pink pony back if he behaved. The plan was going fine for a day or two, then Emmett got bored, and I am now in my current predicament.

How did they think that hiding the pony would be a good idea? And it isn't even in the house. Trust me, I know, because there is nothing left of the house. Emmett tore it apart, piece by piece, to try and find his pony. Jasper must still have it; hopefully he doesn't get any blood on it, or Jasper might become Emmett's new chew toy. Oh, crap, that's what I forgot to bring, Emmett's chew toy! It's this silly doll that he likes to chew on, pretend he is drinking the blood. Of course, he says it's an "action figure," but I'm sorry, any doll that you buy multiple outfits for is not an action figure… period. Man, is Emmett going to get it when Esme gets home. He is in deep, deep, DEEP doo-doo when they come home. But, for now, he gets to just annoy me.

The day started off innocent enough. I was in my room pinning for Edward, all alone, not doing anything because I can't concentrate when Edward isn't around when my phone rang. It was Emmett, screaming some incoherencies, and all I could pick out was "pink pony." Deciding it was wiser to go and help him rather than wait for him to come and get me to help him, I left. Man, was I surprised when I got there…

Emmett's POV

WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS MY PINK PONY? I NEED IT, I NEED IT, I NEED IT, I NEED IT, I NEED IT! Where's my phone, I need help, I need help finding my pony!

"BELLA!" I screamed into the phone. Luckily, my family had foreseen just such a problem and had programmed my phone to call by voice. 'Cause I was in no condition to find her number! I needed her, now! I screamed again.

"Dammit, Emmett! That was my eardrum!" She said.

"What are you doing playing with drums at a time like this! It is an emergency!" I screamed.

"Just calm down and tell…"

"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN! MY PINK PONY IS GONE! PINK PONY GONE, GONE, GONE!" I wailed into the phone.

"Emmett, I can't understand you. What is going on?"

"WHAT CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND, IT IS GONE!"

"Just, calm down, I'm coming over, ok? Keep calm."

"HOW CAN I CALM DO…" oh, she hung up. But I had to find my pony. It was going to be dark soon and I needed him to keep me company and safe all night long! He wasn't in my room, in the living room, he wasn't ANYWHERE! Maybe Jasper hid him in the wall…

Bella's POV

I drove up the Cullen's driveway and arrived at an empty lot strewn with bits of wood and glass… wait, wood and glass? Oh crap, that wasn't good. I parked my truck and tentatively took a step out, calling softly "Emmett?" Suddenly, a head popped up from the wreckage, two big, frightened and sad eyes poking out from behind the only remaining structure, the front door. Damn, I walked right into this one.

"Emmett." I called again. "Are you ok?" I asked hesitantly. This was one mess I did not want to get into the middle of, but there was little I could do about that… he just looked so sad, like a little lost puppy! Well, if a little lost puppy where undead and could eat all the other puppies…

He slowly shook his head no. Before I thought, before I allowed my brain to process the movements of my mouth, I heard myself say "Is there anything I can do to help?" Wait, not what I wanted to say! No, no, let me take that back, crap… too late. His eyes lit up, and he grinned like a two year old, and I didn't have the heart to tell him to forget it, even though I should have.

Emmett's POV

YEAH! My soon-to-be little sis was so nice! I knew I could count on her to help! Just now what was it that I was doing? Hm… I know it was urgent, and it involved finding something… oh well, I guess it wasn't that important. Oh, I know what we could do!

"Let's go sledding!" I shouted.

"Uh… wait, what? Sledding? Sledding with what? There's nothing left, you ninny!" Bella shouted.

"We can go sledding with this!" And I ripped the front door off its frame. "Esme won't mind!"

"Sure, she won't mind." Bella said.

"I just said that!" I shouted. "Don't copy me!"

"O….k…"

"LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!" I shouted.

Bella's POV

I have a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad feeling about this. I still remember the last time Emmett decided to participate in alternative sports in the house… the bowling incident DEFINITELY did not turn out well, and there was no way that this one would! Is Emmett crazy? Sorry, stupid question. OF COURSE HE IS! But this, this is probably the stupidest thing he has ever suggested! Scratch that, second stupidest… I still shudder from the last incident…

But still…

Emmett grabbed the front door off the house, the only bit left of the house, and started running towards me screaming "SLEDDING!" Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!

Emmett's POV

I grabbed my little sis and started running up the hill. It was so nice of her to come sledding with me! She must be excited, she is screaming nice and loud! Oh, yeah, I am a good bro.

"Emmett, what is that!" She screamed.

"It is some of Alice's cloths!" I said.

"Why are you taping them to my head?"

"For a helmet, duh!" Jeez, I guess excitement makes her a little slow. I could understand, she was just so excited, so was I! I strapped her to the door and shoved it down the hill.

"GODDAMMIT EMMETT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ARRRRRRRRRGGGGG HHHHHHHH!"

"Oh, you're welcome! I love you too!" Haha, I knew that she was going to love it! Wait, what was that hurtling towards me? It almost looked like… ooooooooooooooohhh, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Had to get away… crap, too late!

"M..mom…Esme… please, oh god!" I screamed.

"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING VAMPIRE! I WILL REMOVE ALL OF YOUR TEETH AND MAKE YOU DRINK BLOOD SHAKES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! NO MORE HUNTING BEARS FOR A YEAR, DO YOU HEAR ME YOUNG MAN! GET BACK HERE, OR SO HELP ME I WILL UNMAKE YOUR BUTT!"

I ran. I ran as fast as I could. "You've threatened me with that before!"

"Don't you get cheeky with me, boy!" She shouted… crap, she wasn't using my name… she was really, really, really pissed. I ran for my life.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW FAR YOU RUN, I WILL CATCH YOU AND WHEN I DO YOU BETTER PRAY TO EVRY DEITY YOU CAN THINK OF!"

What's a deity? Crap! How do I get out of this! NOOOOOO!

Three Months Later, Bella's POV

I walked up to the Cullen house and rang the door bell. I know that they could already hear and smell me coming, but I was so used to ringing the bell.

Instead of the normal sound, I heard Emmett scream. "OUCH! Darnit, who did that! Why is it still dark in here?" Ok, that was odd. I tried the bell again. "Stop that! I don't want to be hit with a little hammer anymore!" Right, that was still weird, but… oh, come on, I have to do it again! "WHO IS DOING THAT! STO-OO-OO-OP!" Yep, much better.

Edward opened the door. "Do you like our new door bell?" He asked.

"Oh yeah, that was cool! So, I guess that he is still in trouble."

"I don't know if he will ever be OUT of trouble." He said, reached around me, and hit the door bell again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAARRRRRRRRGGGH HH!" Came echoing out of the house. "Oh, that NEVER gets old!"

**And that is all she wrote... or all I wrote... hm...**

**So you guys know, I probably won't be updating until at least July. I am traveling, and won't have easy access to the internet. Sorry about the wait! I'll try and have something ready for when I get back... I will be spending a lot of time in between places. If you have any ideas to keep me busy, feel free to share! The more cracked out the better!  
**


	9. Treasure

**I think it's been long enough since I've written, so it is time for another installment of As the Fang Burns—or something like that.**

**Sorry it's been awhile. Out of the country+bad internet service+midterms+other things that sound important and take up time=no update FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRR ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever… AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD ever and ever! And ever!**

**Thanks to my lovely cohorts for the idea! And I own nothing, literally nothing. I am a broke student, only thing I own is my brain and that is more on loan than anyting…**

Emmett POV ('cause it's the only one worth it!)

"MmmmmmmmmmmMMMmmmmmmmmMmmmm

MmmmMMMmmmMMMmmmmmmmmm

mmMmmmMMMMmmm

MMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

Gosh darn it, this is not funny! Not, funny, AT ALL! EDWARD, STOP LAUGHING!

"Oh, Emmett, you have to admit it is a bit funny!"

No, not funny!

"Well, then, you shouldn't have tried to use Esme's good couch as a raft, now should you? You already knew you were walking on thin ice, but you had to go and do something stupid anyways!"

But there was no ice! No ice at all! Where was there ice? It's the middle of summer! Stupid Edward.

"…Really?" my brother asked me.

Hey, Eddie?

"What-y?"

Um… could you please get me a straw?

"…"

Edward?

"…"

EDWARD? NOT FAIR! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME NOW! GOSH DARNNIT, GET ME A STRAW OR I WILL START SINGING THE MACARENA UNTIL YOU START DANCING AND THEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL THINK YOU ARE CRAZY! STRAW ME!

"That's what got you into trouble in the first place!"

One Week Earlier

Bored, bored, bored. Why was I bored? Why was no one here to entertain me? ENTERTAIN ME! Hm. I could go office chair racing—no, wait, I need office chairs for that. I was still grounded from the television, no new videogame had come out recently and all of my old ones were beaten (I got mad one night and destroyed them…oops). What to do, what to do? I AM DESPERATE!

"Hey, Emmett, you wanna go shopping with me?" Alice called down the stairs.

"YES!" I was that bored.

Ten Hours Later

"Alice." Nothing. "Alice." Nothing. "Alice." Nothing. "OH MY GOD, THERE IS A SALE AT GUCCI!"

"WHERE!"

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Nothing. "Alice." Nothing. "Alice." Nothing. "Alice."

"DON'T DO IT EMMETT!"

"Wait, don't do what?"

"No, bad Emmett, bad!" Wait, am I a dog now? I rolled my eyes and saw—A MAN IN A BIG HAT! OoooooooooOoooooooo hat!

"Hello man in big hat!" I called out. Alice looked around, confused, saw who I was talking to and said "Uh, Emmett, I don't think…" but I ignored her. She was doing it to me the whole time. Oh, the irony! Wait, irony? NO, SCHOOL WORD! GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, GET IT OUT…

"EMMETT, I SAID NO!" came shrieking from somewhere near my elbow. "Elbow, I didn't know your voice was so loud and screechy!"

"Emmett, you idiot! You're breaking the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ display at the movie store! Stop it, hitting your head with a DVD is not going to make… you… forget… oh my, you're an idiot." Oh, the voice was Alice. Hm, crazy girl. And why was she pushing at my forehead?

"Let's go home, I think we're finished here. People won't take too kindly with you walking around with a DVD impaled into your forehead."

"What's a Divid?" Nothing. "Alice." Nothing. "Alice." Nothing.

At the Cullen Residence

Hmm… Divids are pretty cool! They have, like, movies or something on them. That's neat. I can watch things besides the TV. Eddie and Alice watched with me to make sure I knew what was going on was not real. Pssshh… I know it's not real. There are no pirates, otherwise I would be one because they are cool and get to wear a big hat and carry around swords and go searching for buried treasure. Wait, buried treasure? As in, treasure that is buried? Not just lying around, but actual treasure? Oooooooooooo, I saw a map on the back of cereal box with an "X" marking the spot. It looked like it was in bay. I should go and search for the treasure! I wonder what it was. Maybe it was a big bear I could eat! Or a purple pony to be friends with my pink pony! OOOHH! Or maybe it was a way to get Edward to stop reading my brain (the tin foil hat didn't work). And I know the perfect person to go with me!

At the Waterside

"Emmett, why am I blindfolded" Bella asked.

"BECAUSE IT'S A SURPRISE!"

"What's a surprise? You didn't go and do something stupid again, did you? Have you already forgotten your last punishment? Or the punishment before that? Or the punishment before that?"

"No… but this time is different! Once I get all the pearls out of the water, we will be rich and everyone will love me and think I am smart!"

"Pearls, up here… Emmett, sweetie, I think you've cracked your head, well, worse than usual."

"But my head isn't an egg, silly! Anyways, let's go!"

"Um… Emmett, I'm still blindfolded. And tied up. Why did you tie me up?"

I took her blindfold off and waited for her to praise me for my smartness. Hm… why was she hitting her head with her palm repeatedly? Oh well, must be a weird girl thing, Alice did that a lot too.

"Um… Emmett… is that Esme's couch that she special ordered, and then backordered, from France? And then waited weeks to get and wouldn't let anyone sit on for the first couple of weeks? And then still won't let you touch?"

"Well, duh! It is the only furniture we have that will float and has built in cushions, like on those airplane flying thingys we take when we want to across the big water!" Sheesh. I thought she would have known that already! Why was she hitting her head again?

"Wait, wait… how do you know it is the only one that floats?"

"I had to test all of them!" She hit herself again.

"Ok—so, we are going to use Esme's favorite couch as a raft, and then what? Dive for pearls? Emmett, if you don't remember, I actually need to breath!"

"Of course I remembered that! I'm not stupid, Bella! You get to go snorkeling!"

"Emmett, there is nothing to snorkel with here." And I pulled out a straw.

"You can breathe out of this! Why do you keep hitting yourself?"

Bella started stumbling a little. I think she hit herself a little too hard. "You ready to go?"

"Emmett, I don't think this is a good idea!"  
"I know, it's a great idea!"

"Emmett, why do you have duct tape?"

"For a safety belt to make sure you don't fall into the water! Safety first, Bella-wella!" Jeez-louise, she was stupid sometimes.

Emmett—no, no, Emmett, bad idea, bad idea, BAD IDEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I threw her into the water.

Two Hours Later

"THAT WAS SO TOTALLY AWESOME!" I screamed.

"Um… sure, Emmett, totally awesome. How many pearls did you find?"

"Pearls? What pearls?"

"Wasn't that reason for going out in the first place?"

"We had a reason?"

"…"

"Why are you hitting yourself again?"

"How are you going to explain to Esme why her couch is waterlogged?"

"But her couch isn't a piece of wood! And it's not in the water, why would I need to explain why it is a log in the water? OH! Are we playing Poohsticks like Winnie the Pooh? STOP HITTING YOURSELF!"

"Well, this is where I leave you. I don't want to upset Esme, and I am all wet and you're in enough trouble, and I don't need some secondary wrath falling on me. I hope you don't die! Well, undie! Well, um, just well." And she walked off, leaving me to carry the couch all by myself. Jeez, that wasn't nice of her. That was actually mean! After the fun we had! Of course, I could carry it by myself, but it's the principle of the thing—principal—prince-pimple—hm, something to consider… I put the couch back into the room, she would totally never know that I…

"EMMETT CULLEN!" *gulp* Crap.

"This is the last straw young man!"

"No, Es…mom. It isn't! I made sure that there were more!"  
"ARE YOU SASSING YOUR MOTHER, YOUNG MAN!"

"No, no, no sass, mom… ma'am, mom ma'am!"

"That's it, that's it, you're cut off! No fresh blood for a year, you hear me! And I will enforce this the hard way!"  
"Wait, wait, mom, what are you doing with that wire and those pliers? Mom? Esme? Momsme? MmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMmmmmm!"

"Not so smart, now, are you young man!"

"!"

One Week Later

"Emmett, you know it is totally your own fault Esme wired your jaw shut, right?"  
"mmmMMmmmmmMMmmm!"

"True, Alice didn't need to be-dangle the wires. You know she was only trying to help because Platinum is so less tacky than steel."

"MMmmmm!"  
"I'M NOT GAY!"

"MmHm."

"…"

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"

"No straw for you!"

"Mmmm."

"And stop pouting. We will go and buy more straws later so you can drink your blood smoothie for dinner."

"MMMmmMMmmmmm?"

"And get a purple pony for your pink pony, yes."

"MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"  
"STOP SCREAMING!"

**And that, ladies and gentlemen—probably only ladies, I won't delude myself here—that is all she wrote. Or rather, all I wrote, and considering I am a she, that is all there is and all there was! Well, not all there was, there is more, but there might be more in the future, or not, let's see how much I can finish this week before I go crazy. Or crazier. Meh.**

**Again, I own nothing. I mean no harm—except to your sanity, since mine is already so damaged I need people to go down with me!**


	10. Ballet

**Time for Story Time with Archgurl! Wait a minute… what's my penname again? Meh. ! So, of course it means that I have a major paper due soon, so I don't want to write, therefore I won't! Hear that world (and advisor)—WON'T! Won't, won't, won't! So, to keep myself entertained (and distracted) while I procrastinate, I am going to write another story!**

**I own nothing—I will not put the usual joke in about how broke I am, because I think it's becoming a broken record and it actually makes me kinda depressed.**

Bella's POV

Hm. It was quiet. Too quiet. Especially for a rainy Saturday. By this time, I've usually had three desperate phone calls from Jacob wanting me to go out the res, three from Edward demanding I wear gloves while I turn pages, and who knows how many from Emmett yelling random things and trying to get me to do something for him. Unfortunately, he had gotten his jaw unwired recently. Or maybe it was a fortunate thing, since he still called but could only grunt and mumble into the phone. Sounded a bit creepy the first time around. At least it gave me some time to do my homework. I'm surprised I was still passing all of my classes with my ridiculous after school schedule. And, just for Eddie, I am burning those darn gloves!

Ten Minutes Later

*RING* *RING*

Well, there goes that peace!

"Hello?" I answered the phone.

"BELLA!" Came echoing out of the phone. I quickly slapped the phone away from my ear. Stupid vampire and stupid extra strength vocal chords. Owie! "GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT?" God, I could still hear his voice loud and clear and the phone was on the floor. Gingerly, I picked up the phone, afraid it would explode in my hands.

"Emmett. What?" I asked, trepidation in my voice. I probably should have just hung the phone up then, but I was afraid he would come over and yell at me from my yard anyways. He was weird like that.

"I—DRAMATIC PAUSE—HAVE AN IDEA!" I face palmed. Leave it to Emmett to tell you when he was actually USING the dramatic pause.

"Emmett. No ideas, not now. You just got your jaw unwired, you don't need to have any more ideas. Just sit at home and do nothing. It's safer that way."

"But…but…but…" Came whimpering over the phone. Yee, gods, why did he have to do that? He sounded like a little broken puppy. Darnnit, now I could see him making those silly puppy dog eyes in my mind (not the ones he tries to use when he wants something—those make him look like he wants to eat something). Gosh darnnit, now what?

"Emmett, really, it is for your own good." I said. Be strong, he will see reason—no, wait, that was stupid. This is Emmett we are talking about.

"I—I wanted to do something—to help you Bella. Please? Oh please? I've been a bad big bro, thing, and I just wanted to do something nice. Please?" Darn, I'm a sucker.

"Ok, ok, Emmett, I will be over soon."

"YIPPEE! No, wait, not here. I will come and get you then we will go to the family baseball field, all right? IDEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!" Man, that guy has the most rapid mood swings.

"Emmett, no, not good, don't come here, you don't remember…" There was a dial tone. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. "EMMETT!" I screeched into the phone. Well, at least he wouldn't—and then there was a major crash downstairs. Emmett's jeep was in the front room again. Well, at least Charlie wasn't here right now—he's going to have a nasty surprise when he gets home.

"EMMETT!" I screeched.

"What? Aren't you ok, Bella?" He asked, not slowing down. When we got to the forest, Emmett decided it would be smart to "belt" me to him when he ran to the clearing; i.e. he used duct tape to secure me to him. I don't know what his thing with duct tape is. He even has it in a rainbow of colors. Why oh why does he do this? "Safety first! Duh!" He yelled when I looked at him incredulously for duct taping me to him. Honestly, where does he get these ideas?

"No, I'm not ok! This makes me sick, you know this makes me sick!" I shouted back.

"Well, why didn't you say so! I'll make you a blindfold when I take you back!"

"Out of what?"

"DUCT TAPE!" If my arms weren't pinned to my sides with tape, I would totally face palm. Totally. All of a sudden, we stopped. It was so fast I got whiplash.

"EMMETT!" I screeched. Darnnit, that hurt! That hurt a lot! Owie! Seriously, owie. "You're a ninny, you know that? A big, fat, loserface ninny!"

"But…but…but…" oh no, the whimper. He was bringing out the whimper. How do I fight against that? Seriously, how? "I—I'm trying to be nice!" Darnnit, two times in a row I make the super vamp sad and whiney.

"Sorry, sorry Emmett. You're being nice. Ok? You really are. My neck hurt before we left, I guess it might not be totally your fault." Jeez. His frown automatically turned upside down and he got a maniacal glint in his eye. Gosh darn it, I'm such a sucker. "Um…so, what are we doing out here?"

"Nuh-uh! I can't tell you! You've gotta guess!"

"Emmett, it could be anything. Unless you want to be here all day, I suggest you tell me."

"But we are going to be here all day! That's the point, and why we had to get away from my family! Didn't you know that? How did you not know that? Huh? Man, Bella, you're slow." OMG, I want him to stop talking. I really, really, really want him to stop talking.

"Ok, but if you want me to do what you want, then you're going to have to tell me."

"I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU BALLET!" And he started bouncing up and down. Oh, gods, he was bouncing up and down. And shaking the ground. And—wait.  
"Ballet? You know ballet? Like, tutus and pink and point shoes and coordination? That type of ballet?"

"YEP!" Emmett virtually screamed at me.

"No, no, no. Emmett, really? You're going to teach me ballet? Wait, you know ballet? When did you learn ballet? And how to put on a tutu?"

"Of course I know ballet! I saw it in a game once—this DDR thing. And I'm going to teach you ballet because all the big sports guys say it is good for walking straight and not tripping!"  
"You learned ballet from DDR? And thought it would help me with my coordination?"  
"What's that?" Geez.

"Ok, when do we start?"

"NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!"

Ten Minutes Later

"Emmett, where did you get these outfits?" And why does it look more like shredded toile and lace instead of a tutu.

"That's because I got these out of Alice's closet, and I'm bigger than her so I had to rip them to get them to fit, and I wanted us to match so we can dance sets!" Oy vey. Really, oy.

"And what is attached to my feet?"  
"I taped wood blocks to your toes, so that you can go on the tip of your toes, like all the real ballerinas." I decided it was safer to say nothing to that. Honestly, how do I say anything to that? Without getting the rabid puppy eyes again. Stupid Emmett.

"So, first, I think we should start with a throwing move!"

"NO! No, no, no, no, no. No. Did I say no yet, because I mean NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I shouted. Emmet had picked me up and thrown me across the field, spinning the entire way. Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up. Oh, crap, here came the ground.

Two days later

Oh, my head. And my legs. And my arms. Wait, why couldn't I move? I couldn't even move my head! Crap, what was going on. I slowly opened my eyes and quickly slammed them shut again. Whoever had put the lights on had dialed them to 11. Who would do that, really? A cold hand gently brushed my arm.

"You ok, darling?" Ye, gods, that voice I recognized. I tried to smile, but it hurt too much.

"What's going on?" or at least that's what I tried to say. Instead, it came out "waa's gaa oouu?"

"I'm sorry I let you get into this situation." Edward said. He sounded genuinely sad.

"It's not your fault (iiiss naaa yoooo faaaaa)."

"Just lie still. You're at my house, Carlisle has been taking care of you. You have a sprained ankle and a broken cheek bone. We put you in a full body cast, just in case. Nothing is too good for you!" My eyes snapped open and I glared at him. A full body cast—for a sprained ankle and sore face. A full body cast? If I could scream at him, I totally would.

"MMMMMmmmmmmhhmmmMMMmmm!" came from somewhere nearby.

"Was daa?" I asked.

"What's that? Oh, that's just Emmett. We decided he would share the same fate as you. So he is in a full body cast as well—made from titanium, of course, to hold him in."

"Hehe—ow." Well, at least it was just for a little bit.

"Oh, you've been out for two days. I made Carlisle put you in a chemical coma, to stop the pain."  
"! OOOOWWWWWWWWWW!"

**And I'm spent! Really, I should be finishing all the papers I have due next week, but whatever. Me no care right now. Too much to do to be a goof.**


End file.
